Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Tales from the Workplace, Part XXV

I am posting stories from my job, because I think they're funny.  I've done my best to disguise my company name, even the industry, and to keep the people I write about and even some details of the situation anonymous.  If you know me, and know where I work, please don't include details in your comments.  I'll have to delete your comment and reconsider posting these stories.

Matching up someone's resume with the real life experience of having them as an employee can sometimes be amusing.  

30-something-year-old employee whose mommy drove him to work and whose daddy quit on his behalf because the work was too hard (and probably because he wouldn't pass the drug test) after less than six hours of TOTAL employment with us:  

"seeking long term employment"  

Employee who, after one day of work, wanted to file a workers comp claim that we very strongly suspect was bogus:

"Dependable, motivated, hard worker" and "respectful to supervisors" and "shows strong work ethic."

Employee who quit at beginning of what would have been his second day of work because he got his old job back (hey, at least he let us know he was quitting, unlike the first two cowards): 

"demonstrated ability to be dependable" and "enthusiastic employee."  

(Though again, six jobs listed on the resume of a guy that seemed to be fairly young, without any dates listed, should have been our first clue.  We just can't afford to turn folks away who appear to have a pulse when we're desperate for workers.)

We've also posted a white-collar job recently, and received a few interesting resumes in response.  A couple in particular tickled my funny bone, though.

The e-mail the resume was attached to said that the applicant had so much experience "it would fill a book," then attached a resume that was VERY skimpy.  Seriously, not including the contact information at the top, it has 14 lines of text, three of which are references.  There is a "skills and abilities" section that list a few things that almost anyone could truthfully list, without any information to back it up such as what the applicant accomplished in the past.  There is ONE job listed with NO information as to what was accomplished except "all aspect [sic] of online marketing."  There's an education section that just says the applicant graduated high school 30+ years ago.  There are two, count 'em TWO, strengths listed:  comfortable chatting with others, and highly adaptable to situations.  There is one "leadership role" of head deacon at a church.  And there are three references, as I said earlier--two are from church.  Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

At the other end of the spectrum, we received an e-mail that, when printed, was two pages, and it had an attachment--a four-page resume.  Three pages were basically walls of text (with a couple of headings to list the job titles), followed by the fourth page that was nothing except "references available upon request."  So way to go at pagination AND editing down to what's most important to convey.

Luckily, we received one resume that was perfect--seriously, we probably couldn't have asked for a better candidate if we'd ordered one custom, and she's working out great.  So yay!

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