Whining

I started this post Wednesday night, finished it Thursday, and am editing it Friday.  I'm a lot calmer and more rational now, but figured I'd keep the majority of what I originally wrote, to document my feelings at the time.

SweetPea and VH and I were going to ride on the trails tonight (Wednesday).  VH was kind enough to trailer two of her horses out (one for SweetPea to ride, since Flash is off after the endurance ride).  I got there a little before they did, got Trigger out, took him to the arena but he didn't feel like running or rolling, so I took him down to the tree, groomed him, and tacked him up.  The gals showed up and got their horses ready.  I took Trigger to the mounting block and got on.  He felt fine, and I actually felt fairly good, too.  A few butterflies, but I was ready to DO this thing.  I walked him toward the barn to meet the gals and their horses, and as we approached the barn, he sped up a little.  I went to turn him so we'd be perpendicular to the barn instead of headed right INTO it, and he got pissy.  At first I figured he was just evading, like the night before when we were trying to get him to go back into the roundpen.  But then there was no mistaking it--he crowhopped.

I was worried about coming off in an unplanned way, plus worried his saddle wasn't fitting right (when we moved it forward before, he didn't buck anymore after), so I hopped off and moved his saddle forward.  SweetPea didn't believe me that he crowhopped, and thought I was just being paranoid.

With the saddle fixed, I took him back down to the mounting block and got on him again.  This time, he hardly waited before he started getting pissy.  I stayed on for a bit, and even had a brief moment of "I can stay on through this" but then the hops got a little bigger and I really panicked.  It didn't help that SweetPea was telling me to get off, and VH was telling me to stay on.  I bailed...if I'm gonna hit the ground, I want it to be feet-first and on purpose.

Of course, now I've taught him that if he acts up enough, I get off.  So VH took him to the round pen and got on and walked and trotted him around in circles without much (if any?) fuss.  I was in tears, and trying to fight them, but just so frustrated with him and the troubles I've been having, with myself for not having the balls to just stay on him and ride it out, with the barn for completely unrelated reasons (more on that later, plus more I haven't really written about in here), and had a ton of thoughts racing through my head.  The tears just kept flooding out.  SweetPea and I chatted and I wept while VH rode.  I suggested they trail ride without me.  VH offered to let me ride one of her horses, but I honestly didn't feel like I should be getting on a horse in the state I was in.  So they left, DW (the horse) went crazy, and I felt overwhelmed all over again.  He seemed like he just might trample me while going insane when his buddy left.  I managed to get him into the roundpen and took the "bit" portion of the bridle off (it's a hackamore, but I undid the "bit hangers" from the convertible halter/bridle), and let him go be crazy.  VH had said it was fine to leave his saddle on and that he wouldn't roll, but I worried.  I settled in to a lawnchair nearby to watch the fireworks.  He paced and called, and even bucked and reared a time or two, but then seemed to settle in. 

I needed to pick up the poop DW had deposited on the lawn, so I got out the poop rake and a wheelbarrow, and took care of it, then decided a little physical labor might do me some good, and if nothing else, I could cry while I scooped poop just as well as I could cry sitting in a chair, so I went to clean Trigger's paddock.  I don't know how long it had been since it had last been cleaned, but this is how it looked when I started:

This is how many wheelbarrows full of poop I removed (luckily it was sun-baked and lightweight, but unfortunately, it didn't provide the physical labor aspect I was kind of hoping for):

Yes, FIVE wheelbarrows full.  Well, not SUPER full, because the poop was so light it would have bounced out if I'd heaped it really high.  The final load was way too full, but then I piled wet gross hay on top of it, so it mostly stayed put while I wheeled it down the bumpy trail to the manure pile.  Here's the paddock when it was done:

And this is the pile of crappy hay that was in front of his feeding tub.  It's quite a ways from his water, so I don't think he got it wet on his own, or that it got wet when they dumped the water (though I guess it's possible, if it was FULL when they dumped it and it traveled that far before soaking in).  I haven't had him long, but I know Trigger well enough to know he wouldn't pee in his food.  The other option is the hay was already like that and they tried to feed it to him but he wouldn't touch it.

You can't really tell in these photos that it was completely soggy, and much yellower than the fresh clean hay in his bucket.



But it was BLACK under it--I don't know how long it had been there.  I hadn't noticed it the night before, but might have just assumed it was with his good hay (or it might have been under good hay, and he picked the good stuff off and/or the good stuff got ruined by the bad stuff).

Anyway, my mind is racing with anxiety, frustration, sadness, and anger (the anger is directed solely at the barn manager, don't worry).

My mind is reeling with thoughts and options.  The way I see it, I have a few options:

• Sell him and turn around and buy a plodder of a horse I can build my confidence with.  Does this just delay the inevitable, since I do want to do endurance, and will eventually want an Arab, which will likely come with "issues" that will need confidence?  I don't WANT to sell Trigger--I really like his personality, and he's great on the ground, I'm just afraid to ride him at this point.
• Sell him and focus on losing weight and taking lessons.  This is a tempting option.  Not that I want to sell Trigger--I'm not one to back out of a commitment, and as I mention above, I love HIM, I'm just too afraid of hitting the ground.  But if I spent board money on a gym membership and lessons, I would be better prepared to buy a horse in the fall, when everyone's trying to sell so they don't have to feed a horse through the winter.  I can still help my friends at their endurance rides to get my "fix," and would probably be able to ride their dead-broke horses once in a while.  Or maybe even join up with that riding program again to get occasional riding in on dead-heads.
• Keep him, and get lessons and/or training.  I'm thinking a combination of a trainer who is willing to get on him and teach him what's what (and maybe even start him in a bit and refine his bending and lateral cues, etc.) and an instructor who will teach me how to work with Trigger (first on the ground, then riding) as well as improving my riding on one of their own horses, if such qualities exist all in one person in this area.  This is likely an expensive proposition, doesn't solve my boarding problems, but means I get to keep working with a horse I like, and don't have to go back to the drawing board on searching for a horse.

I'm honestly concerned I'm too big for him, hence leaning toward the middle of those three options--losing weight before getting back into horses.  CAN a horse carry my weight?  Yes.  Should it have to?  Not really.  And I'll feel better and be a better rider if I drop 50 pounds or so.

Well, now it's Friday, and I'm leaning toward keeping him, and working with a trainer.  Yep, the most expensive option.  Ugh.  But I do love HIM, just need to build MY confidence and ride through it.  AND lose weight.  Hmm...

Anyone recommend a trainer/instructor who works with human and and horse and has good school horses I can regain confidence on?